It appears I haven’t written a blog post in two months. I’m not really surprised. I’ve absorbed a bunch of new duties into my daily schedule, and it has required a lot of extra time on top of that to adjust. I have managed to visit the occasional blog here and there and even to leave a few comments. Gradually I’ve been trying to work my way back into things. I’ve had ideas for several blog posts in the past couple of months that quickly disappeared when some new pressing issue needed my attention. My kids will be on summer break from school soon, and since that will improve some things and make some more challenging, I really have no idea yet what my schedule will look like or whether I’ll have the time or inclination to write anything. When I get too overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw and not want to communicate with anyone, and that’s been happening a lot lately, too. Old habits die hard. But since I already wrote an extremely long comment in response to this post at Alienhippy’s blog
I thought I’d take a shot at expanding it into a post of my own and see what happens from there.
I was just coming out of another shut down yesterday. I’ve been experiencing this off and on a lot lately, probably because so many things have been pushing me way beyond anything resembling my comfort zone, which isn’t that large to begin with. My son was having a shut down of his own yesterday after overloading on what were a very productive couple of days for him (we have officially survived the biggest part of his Eagle Project – yay! :)), and needing to deal with his difficulty on top of everything I was already experiencing was a bit much. I was kind of expecting it, but I still wasn’t really prepared. And it kept coming in waves. I’d think I’d helped him past something, and then a new anxiety would take its place. I didn’t know what he needed and just kept trying all the different tools in my toolbox to see what might help in some small way. I don’t think any one thing actually did the trick, but the combination seemed to eventually move things forward. It’s like that with me many times, too. Thankfully, we’re both doing better now, but I still feel a bit discouraged knowing this isn’t something we’re likely to ever really get past.
For some reason, I think I feel guilty when I shut down, like I should be able to do better after all these years. Mostly it seems to come from who I am and what I feel not being compatible with what’s expected of me and of others. I need more down time, more time to process things, more stim time, more explanation of things, more help, etc., than what’s considered acceptable. I don’t seem to know what I’m supposed to know or to be able to handle what I’m supposed to be able to handle. If I’m honest, I usually don’t genuinely feel bad about myself. It’s more that I’d like the rest of the world to adjust please, because I don’t fit here, and neither does my son, and I happen to know we’re both good people who are honestly doing our best. I’d like for our best to be good enough, because it’s really all we’ve got.
Being confronted with too many demands on my time, my mind, or my sensory system tends to make me shut down, and being shut down seems to drain every bit of my energy. It becomes a chore just to wash a dish or walk up the stairs, and talking to people is even worse. I hide my issues as best as I can, maybe because I don’t want to be evaluated and found wanting any further than I already have been. I try to sneak off to be alone and fixate on whatever I feel will help me at that moment, and when I can’t because of circumstances or unhelpful people, I become anxious and irritable and have trouble thinking. When I do come out of that state, it feels a bit like a flood of energy, although I seem to be very low energy in comparison with other people, so that flood doesn’t last too long. Sometimes I think of it like I’m riding a wave and try to use that energy to get a lot done, because I know I won’t have it later.
More and more these days, I am learning to accept who and how I am, and this allows me to do what I need to do to help myself much sooner. I know that I have to meet my needs, because no one else will. I need to do whatever I need to do and to indulge whatever obsession I’ve currently got going in order to feel OK again, and it’s better for everyone around me if I just go ahead and do that. The longer I wait, the worse things get, and I end up behaving in ways I regret and taking much longer to recover.
I tend to shut down less if I keep spending time focusing on spiritual things, and often that’s what brings me back around if I’m not too far gone. But there are times when I let things go too far, and I have to indulge some other needs before I can approach anything with deeper meaning. I think those are the times when I start to feel guilty, because I feel like I should have caught it sooner. Then I have to practice forgiveness of myself and others in order to start over. I really expected to be much more spiritually evolved by this point in my life. 🙂 Every day just seems to be the same struggle over and over – some feeling more successful than others, but none really fundamentally changing me or my situation.
It’s hard for me to watch my son go through this, because he has much less coping ability at this point. Then again, he also has me, and much of the time I do seem able to help. He also has a lot of great supports at school and at Boy Scouts and among our friends. I sometimes wish I’d had more of the helps that he has when I was growing up, but then again, I managed, and I grew into someone who can help myself and help him. So one way or another. we’re both doing OK.